Why Am I Living Like This

Every morning the alarm goes off at five-thirty. Each and everyday, it does not matter if it is Monday or Sunday. The sun is up, I am up; the sun is down, I am down. I am sitting in the chair, hands on the keyboard, and typing this paper.
My body is at the edge to physical exhaustion right now. My upper back, the biggest muscle group, is not only sore but also tired. I cannot describe this feeling. It’s unique and special for me.
Imagine yourself as a mommy. You are sitting in a chair instead of lying in a coffin. From your feet to your neck, your body does not wish to make any tiny move-not even crossing the leg or raising the arm. The only “useable” that still reminds are my fingers, my mouth, my eyeballs, and my brain.
This is not the first time I encounter this feeling. I have been though this for thousands of times. I used to lie on the bed, counting my breath and heart rate, but I would not fall asleep because my brain was not tired. It is just that my body is no longer responding to any commands given by my neurons.
I still remember when I first got started to live like this. I wanted to give up. Just like how any normal human beings would when they face difficulty. Give up, the easiest and fastest solution to all problems, but often, the worst solution. So I chose not.
I train six days a week, and on the seventh day I rest because I have too. Every morning I wake up, it is still dark and cold outside; I go to the bathroom and stare at myself though the mirror and repeats to myself of my values and goals.
I need motivations, all kind of motivations. Sometimes I may intentionally search for inspiring stories, quotations, speeches, mp3 files, etc. there are just too much pain, psychologically, physically, and spiritually.
But all this is only half of I. On the other half, I am a student, a hardworking one. In this essay, I want to tell you about my journey and why am I living like this. A life that is extraordinary, difficult, and unimaginable.
I was born in Kunming, China of a wealthy family. My father has his own business; my mother is a highly admired governor; both of my grandparents are university professors. My family puts education as their top priority; from elementary to high school, I received the best education one can possibly find in my city.
In my earlier youth, my family spoiled me since I am the only child. My life was filled with materialism. As a result, I tried to find something to do everyday so that the time could go by faster. I had set no goals for myself. Imagine a teenager with full of money in his pocket doing nothing but sleeping. That was I. Eventually; I became an infamy for the family.
I came to United States at the age of thirteen. Attended Chino Hills High School at first. In two months most faculties already disliked me because of the attitude I held. I was egoistic, prideful, and undisciplined.
The next year, my mother transferred me to Villanova prep School. She hoped since the school is catholic and private, maybe the strike rules and religion can transform or at least influence me. Soon, her assumption failed again.
Sophomore year, I received my first Board of Disciple (the highest degree of penalty in my school) for ignoring the instructions given by dormitory staffs, schoolteachers, and institution itself. My mother wrote letters to the teacher’s council begging for forgiveness. At the end, I was forced to sign a contract. The contract states that, in order to not get expelled, I will agree that I will not get into any more trouble in the next twelve month. In addition, three times I week I will meet with an psychiatrist because I was considered as an “troubled kid.”
Maybe I was. Junior year, just about nine months after I had just signed the first contract, I received another Board of Discipline. This time, cheating in multiple examinations. It ranges from English vocabulary quiz to Spanish final exam. My family knew at this point I would become a useless and even potential harmful person for the society. My grandfather had officially stated to me on the phone, “Steven, I have lost all my hopes in you.”
Senior year, with 1320 on SAT and 2.9 on GPA record; I was rejected by all of my colleges. Nobody knew this, not even my parents, college counselor, or even best friend. When the graduation took place, I was the only one in my class that did not get into a university.
But today, I stand here as student with 3.9 GPA on the record, an active volunteer for the society, and of course, an athlete. When look back, I really don’t know what changed me. I have attempted many times by using various techniques: photos, writing essays, talking with old friends, etc.
At the end, all I can recall are the conversations I had with school headmaster regarding with my false action and my visit to Harvard University in the summer of 2008.Till today, I still cannot find a logical reason for why I am not expelled form from the school after receiving two Board of Discipline in less than one and half year. The school is private, filled with kids of excellent family backgrounds. Why does such school allow me to stay while I am just destroying the school’s reputation? Perhaps it is all the prayers done by the sisters. I really don’t know. It is a mystery for me that can never be answered.
In the summer of 2008, I traveled to Harvard University, took a course that was not even close to my present education plan. All I wanted was an experience, an experience that cost fifteen thousand dollar. Boston was beautiful and Harvard was huge. At the end of one and half month of summer class, I learned nothing, but I did acquired two sets of new attitudes.
One came from a brilliant girl. Her name is Ada, an extraordinary student whom was once accepted by Harvard, Stanford, Yale, John Hopkins, and many other universities at the same time. She showed me the definition of hard work. On weekday, twenty-five hours of studying, which does not include the class time. On weekends, another eight to twelve hours more, depends on the class schedule. I assumed she must be super brilliant because of her grade and school reputation. I asked her how she did it. She answered, “Early bird gets the worm. It is all about discipline and hard work.”
The other attitude I acquired came from a handsome young man; his name is Dimitris. He showed me the importance of living. Dimitris is an international student from Greece, major in dentistry. One day we were in a Vitamin restaurant next to the Charles River having lunch. We were chatting on the subject of “life”. Dimirtris said, “studying is important because it is your job, but you are a human, you are born to live not to work.”
I packed these two sets new attitudes along with my luggage. It took time, pain, and even tears to reshape them to the ones that best fits me. Now, they are in three simple phrases: “discipline like a solider”, “work like a Harvard student”, and “train like an Olympian.” I know I am never going to become a solider, a Harvard student, or an Olympian. But I do know, I have a dream now: to make the world a good place, not better but just good, and in order to let my dream come true, I have to acquire all the good characteristics and personalities each of these group obtains-rigor, courage, confidence, discovery, creativity, hard work, problem solving, and at last, discipline.
All students are athletes and we are in constantly training. Our body is composed of more than seven hundred muscles. I classify them into two groups, the simple and the complex.
The simple includes all the six hundred and ninety-nine. They are the one you can touch and feel, for instance, your chest, your back, your leg, etc. they can be trained, be feed, be shaped and reshaped, by simple applicable formulas like workout and nutrient.
But there reminds one more. The one that is so complex, so unique that it can be never reshaped, and that is our human brain. It only weights three pound, but it is so powerful and unpredictable that it has the capacity to construct the most magnificent building in the world like the Versailles in France, but at the same time, it also has the capacity to design powerful killing weapons like the nuclear bomb. This is why school exists, to train the most complex part in human body, the brain.
Look back, I feel thankful for all the people I have met and lived. It is them, who established and created the present me. I appreciate pain and I befriend with fear because I understand now the only way I will grow is though pain, and only thing I should focus on are things I feared the most. Fish that swims against the current are often strongest. This and everything is the reason I lived like this. To train my body and my brain so hard so I may best serve the country, the community and

my first poem

I look myself into the mirror

But I get nothing except a head and a body.

I look myself into the eye, the so-called gates of my soul,

But I still get nothing except two empty black balls.

I ask myself who am I?

I hear nothing except the click of the clock.

I sit here tried to answer it,

But I know I will just end up with another set of new questions.

Four [reflecttion] Decades After Milgram, We’re Still Willing to Inflict Pain

The article discussed about a psychological experiment done by a Yale professor. In the conclusion, the author asserted:
URL: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/29/opinion/29mon3.html?_r=1



"The results of both experiments pose a challenge. If this is how most people behave, how do we prevent more Holocausts, Abu Ghraibs and other examples of wanton cruelty? Part of the answer, Professor Burger argues, is teaching people about the experiment so they will know to be on guard against these tendencies, in themselves and others.

An instructor at West Point contacted Professor Burger to say that she was teaching her students about his findings. She had the right idea — and the right audience. The findings of these two experiments should be part of the basic training for soldiers, police officers, jailers and anyone else whose position gives them the power to inflict abuse on others."

So i want to reuse this concept, or quotation
Society is my concentration, and education is my primary concern. Well, if that is the case, can i say, the best way to help people to know why they are entitled by me as "unproductive" is to tell them. To let modern men see my point of view on current society. Indeed, this needs futhur research.
Research expand to many fields, such as philosophy, Christianity, education, virtue, worldview, culture geography...etc.

tradition

In such turbulent times, one can become dispirited by the presence of economy. If depression is defined as a, deep and long recession period, and anyone under the age of 75 cannot recall it, then we are surely in one now. However, I believe no matter whatever the circumstances might be, we should never lower or exchange our values and beliefs. There are two reasons: first, tradition is what makes human beings distinct, and second, values are the foundation of a moral and stabilized society.

After a long period of discovery, scientists have finally concluded that tradition is the only factor, which separates human beings from the other animals. From radiocarbon dating, a method that is used to determine the age of a material, scientists have also discovered the first possible sign of religion appeared about a hundred thousand years ago. In other word, since a hundred thousand years ago, our ancestors have already recognized the essentiality of value and belief. No other animal on earth has such incredible ability.

Secondly, values are what make a society stabilized. Value is the kind of attitude we have doing things. For instance, my personal values are: persistence, hard work, compassion, and openness. Therefore, all my actions will comply with my values. No matter how many times or how harsh people criticize me about my writing skill, I will just keep trying, because one of my personal values says “persistence”.
In conclusion, our ancestors once thought those teachings as the most valuable things for mankind. However, modern men are pushing them farther and farther away from their daily life. The decision we make today will impact us tomorrow, and next generation’s culture will be build upon our generation foundation.

My father and I

Obama once said to Men’s Health magazine, “every man is either trying to live up to his father’s expectation, or make up his father’s mistake.” I grew up watching my father franchising his company. He is an entrepreneur, a diligent one, and from him you can understand how devoted a man can possibly be. And at the end, my father influenced my life the most.

For the last nineteen years, I had little childhood memories with my father. He is a busy man, and there is no weekend for him. Moreover, since he loved his company so much, when the company was rebuilt, he even gave himself an additional "office" with a bed, television, bathroom, and even a kitchen. And the reason: “just don’t want to drive at 2 o’clock in the morning.”

My mother and grandparents raised me. They told me stories about him. Stories of how he overcame difficulties. When he first started the business, it was not doing so well. Two month later, the company was already in debt. Additionally, since he was so far away from home, and cannot afford a train ticket, he was forced to sleep on the park bench for weeks. To me, he is just the same as the “Wall street legend”-Chris Gardner.

When I was eleven years old, dad took me to fishing one day. On the way, he asked me the question, “What is the meaning of life?” I thought about it for a second, and said, “I don’t know. What is it dad?” he looked at me in the eye, smiled, and said, “ Son, that is the only question I cannot answer for you. You have to find out by yourself.”

Since then I have been on the journey of seeking wisdom. After years, from schooling to Bible studying, the meaning of my life is very similar to my father: to be a good man whom does good things to others-provide services and establish values to the society. Like what Albert Einstein said, “try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value."

Culture Value

In these turbulent times, it's easy to become dispirited by the country's present circumstances. Workers are losing their jobs, students are no longer able to afford tuition and banks are facing insolvency. Despite these problems, our essential personal beliefs and values should never be exchanged or lowered. In time the economy will recover; however, the next generation's traditions, values and beliefs will be built upon our present foundation.

After more than fifteen hundred thousand years of human evolution, human brain has tripled in size. The brain has gained a new part called prefrontal cortex. This new structure allows human beings to rationalize things, in other words, like a time stimulator. Religion is therefore invented: a set of practices or beliefs, which answer questions that relate to life, death, and nature. From radiocarbon dating, a scientific method used to determine the age of a substance, geologists discovered the first appearance of possible signs of religion was about one hundred thousand years ago. That is to say, since one hundred thousand years ago, human beings have understood the potentiality of worldview.

Because of culture diversity, different countries may have different holidays. For instance, in United States, the New Years Day is on the first day of the year; however, in China, since their ancestors left them with a different calendar, the Chinese New Year is in the middle of February.

Holidays may be celebrated differently, but they all are created with underline message: New Years Day-the preciousness of time, Martin Luther King’s day- the value of freedom, and Thanksgiving Day-the importance of gratitude. However, modern men are misinterpreting the definition of holiday. Holiday is no longer a day for personal reflection but a day to seek personal pleasure.

This culture is corrupting, and the next generation is receiving wrong messages.
When the news is filled with, violence, crime, hatred, and homosexuals, what has this generation been doing? Writers, scientists, and philosophers are longer the engine of society; instead, Hollywood celebrities, NBA basketball players, and American Idols finalists have been most people’s everyday life focus. Students, the next generation, are spending everyday watching television or surfing on the Internet. Most importantly, the goal of human life shifted from, wisdom to money.

In conclusion, our ancestors thought that culture values and beliefs were the most precious thing for mankind. Indeed, it teaches people a way to live a life with meaning and engagement. Unless people start to understand the real problem in society, one day, human beings will be facing the danger of massive destruction.

The Value of Relationship

Time has changed. With the improvement of technologies, people’s life is no longer measured in hours or minutes but in terms of seconds. For many parents in the U.S., the total amount of time they spend everyday driving to work, answering clients phone call, and responding to emails are twice as much, compare to the amount of time they spend with their children.

I believe that no matter whatever the family condition is, parents should take the most responsibility for raising their kids, and there are two primary reasons: first, it complies with traditional and cultural value, and second it increases the level of intimacy between parents and kids.

After many years of scientific research, sociologists have come to the conclusion that, culture is the only factor that separates human from other species. Different people may have different cultural background, in other words, different beliefs and practices. However, there is one statement all societies agree with: a stabilized society begins in a home, and in the house it all start with the teachings and the disciplines of a child.

By combining both western and eastern religions, the serious argument for parents to be actively involved in this crucial process (raising their child) can be more sufficiently emphasized. In the Holy Bible, the Koran, or the Hebrew Bible, they all defined what a family is-a father, a mother, and a child. The most important duty for the parents is to instruct their kids and teach them the truth. In eastern countries, the mission of raising a child is described as the most difficult task. Moreover, it can be only accomplished when both the mother and the father execute it together. For instance, Taoism’s Yin and Yan, Hinduism’s Vishnu the Preserver and Shiva the Destroyer. Yet, each part may have different missions or attitudes, however, they only work when the two pieces are united. Our ancestor once thought that these teachings were the most precious things for mankind. Our culture, however, is pushing them farther and farther away from our everyday lives.

Secondly, I believe the psychological feeling of comfort and familiar for a child when they are with their parents are essential. Animal Psychologist and human psychologists once did an interesting experiment together. Scientists want to know if monkeys and humans are going to react similarly, when they face a sudden change of people and environment.

Scientist first started with monkeys. They randomly selected thirty monkeys from zoos across the nation, they gathered them up, and placed them into an empty classroom. After just minutes, monkeys recognized the differences of environment and people; as a result, they all became exhilarated. Scientists recorded monkeys jumping from chair to chair, and shouting to each other as greetings.

However, when scientists did the same thing to human beings, the outcome was completely the opposite. Since each of them have never met each other, so people’s tone, voice, diction, and even behavior started to alter because of external factors. For some people, they even placed themselves into a defensive position. From this experiment, psychologists have concluded that, humans are a very distinct species, unlike other species human are the only mammal, which opposes any change, even if the change is small. Therefore, kids will react differently with different intimacy levels. For instance, a child may feel completely normal to go to supermarket shopping or go watch a movie with his mother, but feel bizarre or even scared to conduct exactly the same activity with his father.

In conclusion, this is my fourth year to be in this country. Indeed, this country has great health insurance and other offers for people who are retired; however, senior citizens usually do not get the respect they deserve from junior group. Much of the reason why this is beginning to happen is because of the devaluation of cultural values, and parent’s failure of understating and applying the correct teaching and discipline to their kids. When everyday people are worrying about their banking account, can this society move any further?